Blue Velvet

I’m choking
on myself
on my skin, my bones, my blood, my brain cells, my whispers, my cries, my dreams, on the World.
I can’t breath
There is something holding the air inside my lungs pushing my spinal cord into my near ephemeral end.
Ay c-a-n-n-o-t ..,,

The blue velvet eyeshadow was smugged by my tears the other day as my frustration over juice showed.
It was smugged over again by my silent cries when she hugged me over flowers and happiness untold.
The blue velvet eyeshadow
The never ending fake glow
stopped by the most famous volcano in the Vtopia district of natural made souls full of unstable feelings and emotions waiting to explode making the long waited desired eruption.

It’s ok to cry.
No one will understand anyway.
It’s ok to cry.

 

Copyright 2013

All rights reserved, Asmaa Lotfy

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ذكريات ٢

أتذكر الحياة الأسرية غير المستقرة وتأثيرها علي . كنت اصنع عالم أخر خاص بي أنا فقط من خلال قراءة الكتب .. لم يدفعني أحد إلى القراءة فقد توجهت وحدي نحو محراب مكتبة بيتنا وأخذت استكشف معالمها في سعادة جمة . أتذكر حين انتهيت من قراءة كل الكتب في المنزل وأردت الذهاب لشراء كتب أخرى .. لم يكن أبي متحمسا أبدا لشغفي للقراءة وكان دائما يتوعدني بالفشل في الدراسة … قالت لي أمي أن المشاكل بينهم زادت عندما انجبتني وأنه وعدها بالمعاملة الرائعة إذا انجبت ولد .. نعم أبي المتعلم أراد أن أكون ولد وطالما عاملني معاملة الأولاد و حتى الأن لا يرى فائدة من إنجابي أو من بقائي على قيد الحياة … لا اهتم كثيرا لذلك ولكني أتذكر كيف آلمني هذا … أردت أن يكون لي أب أتناقش معه بعقلانية ويفتخر بي بدلا من احباطي طوال الوقت .. ولكن كيف ألومه على نظرته لي عندما لا تختلف نظرة المجتمع للفتاة …
” الست ملهاش غير الجواز .. جوزها مسؤل عنها هو الراجل اللي يحميها ويشيل حملها من على أكتاف أهلها ”
أشعر بالقرف عندما يلوم الناس المجتمع ولا ينظر إلى أساس المشكلة !! الدين الذي لا يقبل أحد أن يكون قابل للنقد .. الدين الذي لا ينبغي أحد أن يخالفه … الدين الذي يعامل المرأة كانسان درجة ثانية ولا يعترف بها ككيان مستقل بل يحقر من شأنها ثم ترى كل هؤلاء البشر يقولون لك ” الدين الاسلامي كرم المرأة ” ومهما تحاورت معهم فهم لا يريدون سماعك … حافظ مش فاهم .
أمي قالت لي قديما أن الله اصطفاني لأكون مسلمة فالاسلام هو الدين الصحيح و يجب أن أحمد الله على نعمة الاسلام … ماذا عن بقية الأديان ؟؟ هل يدخلون الجنة ؟؟ هل يعقل أن يكون هذا الاله عنصريا ؟؟ ألا يكفي أن يعترف بوجوده البشر ؟؟ يجب أيضا أن لا ننسى رسله وخصوصا محمد .. يجب أن تنطق الشهادتين حتى تدخل الجنة .. هذا الاله العظيم قد يعاقب انسان مؤمن به ولكن ليس بنبيه ..
ماذا لو لم أؤمن بكل ما جاء في الدين ؟؟
الحوار التالي كان منذ سنوات بيني وبين أمي :
” ماما يعني إيه الراجل يتجوز أربعة ؟ يعني إيه مينفعش أسافر إلا بمحرم ؟؟ يعني إيه الراجل ياخد ضعف ميراث أخته ؟؟ أنا مش عجباني حاجات كتير ومهما قريت تفسير الحاجات دي أنا بردو مش مقتنعة !!! ”
– ” بصي يا بنتي استغفري ربنا وسيبك من الأفكار دي ده الشيطان !! الدين مينفعش تخدي جزء وتسيبي جزء . الدين يا تخديه كله يا تسيبيه ”
” طيب ينفع الواحد يسيبه عادي ؟ ”
– ” تارك الدين بيتقتل ”
” اه …. ”
أهلي محترمين  ولكن حين يتطرق الموضوع إلى الدين و المرأة أشعر انني غريبة بينهم .
يتبع ...
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ذكريات

ذكريات الانسان قد تكون عبئا ومصدر ألم له أو قد تكون مصدر إلهام و تذكرة بما مر به حتى أصبح ما هو عليه الأن . أتذكر معظم طفولتي وإن تذكرت شيء ما أسرع إلى كتابته . تربيت في أسرة مسلمة ودائما ما شعرت أن كلمة أسرة قريبة من كلمة ” أسر ” معنى ومضمون . أسرتي لم تعطني حرية الاختيار فقد ولدت مسلمة لمجرد أنهم مسلمون أيضا . تربيت على أسس هذا الدين بدون فهم و وعي حقيقي لمضمونه .. فقد وجدت فكرة الاله الذي يحب الأطفال و يحقق أمانيهم فكرة ممتعة هذا وإن كان هذا الاله له جانب أخر وهو عقاب الانسان إذا عصاه ودخول النار التي دائما ما كنت أهدد بها إذا فعلت شيء يغضب أهلي . كم أشفق على طفولتي التي كانت مليئة بمثل هذا العبث الانساني ! لم أفهم القرأن ولكني حفظته حين كنت في العاشرة وكنت أصلي في الجامع أيضا وأشعر بالفرح حينما تدعي لي جدتي بدخول الجنة وكمية الحسنات التي احصل عليها من ترديد الأيات القرآنية . وهذا الملك الذي يلازمني على كتفي اليمين يرصد كل هذه الحسنات ….
كنت في الحادية عشر عندما صعقتني أمي وجدتي بالتالي :
كان هناك مسجد أمام بيتنا وكنت أنزل مع أخي الذي كان يصغرني بعدة سنوات لنصلي في الجزء المخصص للسيدات .. وفي يوم تأخرت مع أخي لأننا انشغلنا بقراءة القرأن مع شيخ في مقتبل العمر كان مهتما بنا واعطانا حلوى حتى نواظب على قراءة القرآن .. عندما رجعنا إلى المنزل أمي كانت خائفة لدرجة الرعب و عندما حكينا لها سبب تأخرنا غضبت و منعتنا من الذهاب إلى الجامع مرة أخرى .. خفت أن أسألها عن السبب فذهبت إلى جدتي حتى أعلم السبب فقالت لي : ” كويس إنه مغتصبكيش !! متعديش مع حد متعرفهوش تاني الدنيا مفيهاش أمان .. ” . طبعا لم أفهم معنى الاغتصاب وقتها ولكني فهمت أنه شيء سيء من نبرة صوتها والقلق البائن في عينيها … لم أفهم كيفية حدوث مثل هذه الأشياء السيئة داخل بيت الله !! لماذا لا يدافع الله عن الأطفال الذين يحبوه ويحفظوا القرآن حتى يدخلوا الجنة ؟؟
و من هذا اليوم شعرت انني تغيرت فقد أصبحت أفكر أكثر بدلا من تصديق كل ما يقال لي من أسرتي … بدأت أتسائل عن هذا الرب أين هو ؟ من أين جاء ؟ لقد كنت حريصة كل الحرص أن أفهم أكثر هذا الدين حتى سن السادسة عشر .كنت أصوم و أصلي و ادعو الاله بأن يجاوب علي حتى ولو بإشارة ما !! كنت احفظ قطع الورق التي كتبت عليه إسمه حتى لا تكون نهايتها على الأرض . كنت اقرأ كتب التفسير و ابحث كثيرا لأي إجابة لاسئلتي حيث أن أمي جاوبتني بالصد وكيف انني لا ينبغي أن أسأل مثل هذه الأسئلة التي لا يستطيع العقل على اجابتها وإذا حاول العثور على إجابة فسيقع ضحية الجنون والتوهان ….
يتبع ….
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Thank You

Thank you for bringing me to this life, unwillingly, having no choice

 

Thank you for planting in my head your beliefs, customs and traditions

 

Thank you for raising me according to your lost childhood dreams

 

Thank you for giving me food, shelter, education all inside a box

 

Thank you for panicking about my teenage years by telling me

 

not to touch my vagina as my husband is the only person who should.
—-

 

Thank you for always underestimating me and confining me to certificates and degrees.
Thank you for promising me freedom if only I make a good image of the family.
Thank you for lying to me all the time.
Thank you for my childhood memories where I was beaten by a leather belt every time I do a mistake or misunderstand something while studying.

 

Thank you for forcing me to hate my body image when I was only 5
Thank you for telling me I was too thin and then too fat

 

Thank you for all the support you gave me when I was struggling to understand who I was.
—–
—–
Thank you for not appreciating all my efforts

 

Thank you for always making me feel guilty when I think of my own needs and dreams.
Thank you for always reminding me of my gender and limits of your society and your religion.
Thank you for panicking and shouting at me when I had a conversation with you about god and religion.
Thank you for making me realize who I really am.
Thank you for enlightening me with the real truth without you even realizing it.
Thank you for threatening to throw me out of the house and stop giving me money if I keep disobeying you.
Thank you for always telling me I’m ugly and no one would want me.
Thank you for always fighting with her and inflicting pain upon me.
Thank you for pushing me to the edge .
Thank you for making me distorted, gasping for understanding but always from the wrong people.
Thank you for not keeping me in mind.
Thank you for not coming to my graduation.
Thank you for panicking whenever I have a phone call.
Thank you for always calling me whenever I’m not at home.
Thank you for not trusting me on your special hymen.
Thank you for everything you ever did for me.
Thank you for always reminding me of the thing you’ve done for me.
Thank you . Thank you. And thank you .

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Vtopia

I long for him and I dream of him every single night !

Names

Remember when we were both heroes on our own isolated Utopian world ?
Our bodies were nothing but suits covering our essence and
our souls matched perfectly . Do you remember ?
The long distance, the long days and the long hours
feeding our unbearable longing even more. Remember ?
The fights, anger and absolute rage and frustration
blowing in each other’s faces and saying the most
painful things. Remember the pain of disappearing ?
Our virtual kisses, hugs, moons, suns and planets.
We made love in my dreams every night. Did I tell you this before?
Our haven was the sea and winter,
and our voice and whispers.
The 21st was the best.
The first last hug was the most shattering and heart breaking
I wished I’d die while you were touching me right there
The begging, promises and lost hope and vanishing trust
The foggy, humid, crowded streets…

View original post 92 more words

Sex and Hypocrisy ( Part 2 )

Facts

Let’s get some things straight first before getting any further with this subject.

1) I believe that sex has nothing to do with religion. If religion is supposed to be spiritual and enormously heavenly, then I don’t think god’s religion will be very trivial to include sex in 60% or more of its content. If that’s the case, then I completely disagree. Sex is included in one’s freedom. It is your ultimate choice to have sex or not have sex, but don’t blame it on religion.

2) Women get horny too. Get over it ! We aren’t sluts. If being horny is slutty, then men are sluts too. (Just saying !! )
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3) There is nothing called ‘’loosing one’s virginity’’. What do you exactly mean by ‘’loosing’’ ??? What have I lost ?? It should be more like ‘’gaining control over your body’’ because no one should frame me under the whole ‘’hymen/virgin’’ criteria !
Being a virgin or a non virgin is no one’s business. It’s my body and it shouldn’t be shamed by anyone.  What do they say ? ‘’only god will judge me ‘’ ?? There you go !

4) If you believe that one is free to have sex, but don’t believe in sexual freedom and orientation, then you’re simply another narrow minded hypocrite. If you think that gay and lesbian people are disgusting then you’re an ass. And that’s that ! Sorry the world isn’t up to your double ass standards ! I won’t argue with you politely because your thoughts are already offensive.

5) Most Egyptian men are not open minded/ pretend to be/ patriarchal minded. Which gets us to the main deal :

Hypocrisy

I consider the Egyptian society one hell of a hypocrite society, among all the other Arab societies for certain. They hail all the religious slogans, care for certain images, hold on to ignorant traditions, yet, they do all ‘’sinful’’ things in secrecy . If you open FB and check all the Egyptian sex pages, you’ll find that there are so many of them !! Beyond hundreds of pages with thousands and thousands of fans !! I checked a page of them, the wall of the page is basically full of horny obsessed men who ask for bitches ‘’sharameet’’ to have phone sex or meet in secret ‘’b sereya tama’’ and for girls who want to stay virgins, those men will have everything pleasurable with them ‘’bas htb2y bent bnoot brdo’’ but you’ll still be a virgin. Speak of absolute hypocrisy and disgusting attitude !  So you girls can do whatever you want, as long as he doesn’t put his dick in so you can get married and have a life based on lies with your naïve husband who may as well have been lying to you and used to do this shit with other girls before marriage.

Hello ?? The hell is this ! This is considered the norm btw !
Can I trust you ?

So after proving that our society is rotten with lies and fake images, and after totally believing and accepting one’s sexuality and one’s freedom to have sex or not have sex, what’s next ?? The main problem is that we live in this society, so basically we interact with such drained brain washed mentalities, and hence trusting someone and having the same understanding would be a difficult issue. Men here consider having sex with a woman like conquering an undiscovered land. And if they’re in a relationship and having sex regularly, when they think of getting married , the option of marrying their ‘’un virgin’’ girl friend is out of the question. They should marry a virgin instead because of all the shallow and narrow minded reasons you could ever imagine.
But the main reason would be that they fear women who can take control of their sexual needs. Those men are afraid of women and they need subordinate women to mold easily.
That’s why you’ll find lots of girls who believe in the freedom to have sexual activity, but are hesitant due to the unfortunate existence of those men in the society. It would hurt emotionally to be dumped by a man simply because he ‘’nailed’’ me. The stupidest thing on Earth, yet the most heartbreaking.

To Be Continued ….

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Sex and Hypocrisy (Part 1)

If you’re reading this now, then you probably have been drawn to the title and thought I’d be writing sexual stuff that would be a turn on. Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not horny right now and this post isn’t sexual, however it will certainly tackle sex in the Egyptian society. So feel free to stop reading or simply check this out without being a pre judgmental asshole.
     Hypocrisy in the Egyptian Society
You got all those magnificent looking pages on FB calling for respecting women and their freedom to dress what they want, have their own choices in life and move forward with their careers, but I’ve never encountered one of those pages talk about women’s sexuality in the Egyptian society. I always get the feeling that they try their best to avoid this subject as it has religious overtones as well. So basically my freedom ends when religion begins. This is what I call hypocrisy. Therefor, all those intentions to free women and protect them is simply a lost cause because they ignore a highly important part of a woman’s identity which is her sexuality.
Most of Egyptian men as well as women would feel shocked or they would have a hard time absorbing the thought that women and girls in general do feel sexual excitement and have sexual needs ! They would condemn such feelings by saying that it’s ”sharmata” which is being ”slutty”.

If you think my thoughts so far are blasphemy, I advice you to stop reading now.

So those women are called ”sluts” because they express or have natural feelings and needs that they were born with (god created them along with human beings) .

Religion forbids having sex before marriage:

I won’t argue a lot in this particular point, but I’ll question it. How can god forbid something that he created in humans when they were born ? Doesn’t waiting to get married to have sex is considered a chaotic decision and a life wrecker for many people ? How can you get married to someone and have a sexual life with them without getting used to them first ? What if you don’t feel sexually comfortable with the person ? Will you spend the rest of your life with him/her due to marriage ?
What if I never get married ?? Will I stay a virgin without having sex till I die ?? Will god reward me in the after life just like he will reward men ?? Or will be the reward for those men ??
Why is heaven full of sex ?? Why can’t Earth be full of sex and heaven be a spiritual non sexual place where souls simply exist without any sexual stuff ???
Why is it considered disgraceful and sinful that I ask these questions and think about everything in general ?? I was born with a brain wasn’t I ???

…… To Be Continued

N.B : I welcome all non judgmental non abusive commentsImage