Japan and my Heart

The reason why I love everything about Japan and is the Japanese people’s perspective of the past, present and future and their attitude towards them. They highly respect and embrace their past, and at the same time they work so hard for the present and for a greater future. Respect is part of their culture and part of who they are. They are what they are , the world’s most developed country, due to how hard they worked and picked themselves up from the ashes of a destructive nuclear war, pain and agony of the loss of so many innocent lives, two cities blown into dust and a period of economic hardship called ”The Lost Decade” in the 90s. Their nation lived and suffered, yet they never gave up. They respect their land and love it from deep within. I haven’t seen anything like this and I don’t think I will. Not that I belittle the other nations, but no one can deny how much the Japanese people are dedicated to their home and families as well as their future generations. I wish the people I live with loved their country like this. Even quarter of this love and dedication can actually do a difference. But people with no love in their hearts, no regret to the destruction of their nation and downfall of themselves along with it are simply dead and going no where. In my first Level of Japanese language, my sensei instructed us from the very first day to not throw any trash on the floor and to keep our classroom clean. I was amazed by how she was so keen on taking care of a place that wasn’t her home. I see Egyptians throwing trash on the street every single day, even my father, others even spit with no shame on the ground of their country. Critics and writers have argued a lot when it comes to the definition of identity and how it is formed as well as identity crisis and problems that appear throughout, and I always felt that identity is not a fixed thing, but rather a very complex unstable thing that is shaped by certain aspects from the experience of the person. I am Egyptian, this is my ”nationality” and part of my ”identity”, but I have never felt like I belong here. Perhaps because I witness everything I love in this country being destroyed by the people, and I can’t do anything about it. Or perhaps because I love this country so much, so I don’t belong here. People kept talking about ”change” and a ”better future” three years ago, everything was on fire and I was so anxious to witness an actual change, but the ”change” went down the drain along with the people. Whatever happened to their voices, I don’t know. Maybe that’s another reason why I’m so in love with Japan and the culture, they never give up and consider giving up as weakness. Always doing their best . Always saying this phrase ”gambate kudasai”, which means ”do your best”. Learning Japanese is giving me hope and hands me the encouragement and love that seems to be lacking here.
Have I mentioned that in my pre Masters year, my project in one of the courses was about Japanese anime in relation to Japanese Mythology ? ^_^ It was about Miyazaki’s ”Spirited Away” and the Shinto Realm portrayed in the film in relation to the concept of spirituality in Japanese Mythology. I wrote and made a presentation about this and the happiness I felt was just over the top ! The richness of their culture, mythology and past is seen in every thing they do, something that we lack here if not disrespected as well. Japanese cinema is also one of the interests that occupy most of my time. I watch a lot of new wave Japanese films and I only seem to be hungry for more, so I keep exploring films from the 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s. I don’t think there seem to be anything like those films when it comes to aesthetics and true passion for cinema. Whenever I watch one of those films, I feel so grateful that I actually got the way to find those beautiful secret gems.
Do I want to go to Japan ? OF COURSE ! It is my dream and one day it will come true. I seem to feel that something there is waiting for me, but I have no idea what it is. I just feel it.
I don’t know what made me write this, but I just did… And am glad I did. This is entirely my personal view, whether I intended to generalize or not, I don’t think it matters as this was just a ”thought piece of writing” .


Purple Love

In the desolate room

A room with a view

Of cigarettes and jazz

Rainbow smoke

Purple Love

Smelling like the sixties

Watching carefully

In anticipation

A 5 minute escape

Turns into 5 centuries

Ends in 5 seconds

Purple Love

Saraghina dances with

Her black eyes and curves

Saraghina watches

Two bodies entwined

With words and tunes.

Purple Love only

Exists in that room

Purple Love disappears

After a few days.

Her heart explodes

Inside him and

She fades slowly

Leaving air mingling

With her hair and

Caressing her soul.

Purple Love,

I wish you’d stay

Forever purple

Never turn blue.


جواز الصالونات : دعارة مرخصة 1

جالك عريس ( انشكاح رهيب ومعاملة لطيفة ) مبروك يا حبيبتي أنا فرحانة بيكي .

– أنا مش عايزة جواز صالونات .

.أومال هتتجوزي ازاي ؟

– زي أي شخص عادي بيقابل شخص أخر ويحبه .

. قصدك تمشي مع واحد وتعصي ربنا .

– لا قصدي أحب شخص مش كل همه شكلي وأهلي واني أكون أم عياله وخدامة في البيت .

. ازاي يعني !! الأهل دول أهم حاجة وبعدين انتي تحمدي ربنا على النعمة . ده راجل معتمد على نفسه وإبن ناس وأهله طيبين .

– وأنا مالي ومال أهله ! وبعدين هو أنا لازم اتجوز لمجرد إن واحد اتقدم ! طيب أنا مش عايزة اتجوز دلوئتي أصلا !!

. عشان ربنا قال كده . انتي مريضة نفسيا ( إنهيار وعياط وزعيق ) . انتي فاكرة نفسك مين !! انتي كمان 10 سنين محدش هيبوصلك ولا هيعوزك وصحابك دول محدش فيهم هيكون موجود عشانك . انتي أنجزتي إيه في حياتك ؟؟؟ طموحك إيه يعني . كتابة ؟؟ إيه يعني ! انتي ملكيش قيمة من غير راجل يسندك ويكون موجود في حياتك ويساعدك . الست من غير راجل تضيع ! انتي هتضيعي !!! عليه العوض !! عايزة تستقلي بنفسك وتسهري للفجر  ؟؟ بس كل حاجة ليها تمن انتي هتخسري كتير وربنا هيغضب عليكي عشان مش مقدرة النعمة . لو جالك عريس تاني حقوله معندناش بنات للجواز أصلها مش عايزة ! عايزة تسافري ؟؟ سافري وضيعي ! عشان كده مش عايزة تتجوزي ؟؟ عليه العوض … أي واحدة في مكانك تطير من الفرحة وتحمد ربنا . خليكي ماشية مع الصحاب اللي بتشرب سجاير !! نهايتك هتكون زي الزفت لأن غضب الأم ده عند ربنا كبير أوي ( اقتباسات من القرأن والحديث ) … دي حياتك ونتي حرة فيها بس إستحملي بقى .

– شكرا انك شايفاني نكرة ومليش قيمة إلا براجل . زي ما قولتي كده دي حياتي و أنا حرة فيها ! مش انتي اللي هتتجوزي .. اه وبالنسبة لحوار السجاير اللي انتي واخدة عنه فكرة غلط .. مش معنى إن شخص بيشرب سجائر يبقى شخص سيء . بالمناسبة أنا بشرب سجائر أحيانا وشيشة ولا أعتقد اني شخص سيء وبفسد اللي حواليا . الانسان حر يعمل اللي هو عايزه المهم لا يأذي غيره .. جسمي ملكي .

. لا مش ملكك طبعا . دي أمانة من ربنا !!! ( نظرة مرعبة )

– ….ماشي يا ماما .

to be continued

ذكريات ٣

تلقيت كمية لا بأس منها من السباب والتهديد والوعيد لمجرد انني اكتب وأحاول أن اعبر عما بداخلي بدون قيود .. ولكن هذا هو المتوقع من مجتمع مليء بالحثالة و الشخصيات الوضيعة التي تهتم بنشر كرهها وتعصبها ضد أي شخص يعبر عن ارائه المختلفة .. نحن مجتمع وضيع وحقير لا يهتم بالفقراء والمهمشين والمتسولين و المشاكل الكثيرة من تعليم إلى اخره ولكن يوجه كل اهتمامه إلى مشاكل النكاح والزواج . لم أرى أحقر من مجتمعنا ولم أرى إزدواجية ونفاق أكثر هذا .
back to our story

عندما سمعت كلام  أمي عن حد الردة وقرأت في هذا الموضوع شعرت بغثيان ونفور شديد من الصلاة . كنت في البداية أصلي الفرض و ألسنة وأشعر بالسعادة انني أتقرب من هذا الاله ولكن عندما علمت بوجود مثل هذا التطرف الدموي لم استطع  العودة إلى ما كنت أفعله … شعرت بأن هذا الاله ليس الاله الذي كنت أتخيله .. المحب للأطفال والمتسامح والمليء بالخير . ولكن ما وجدته كان عكس ذلك فهذا الاله أو هذا الدين به إزدواجية رهيبة ! فعلى جانب هناك التعاليم الحسنة وعلى الجانب الأخر هناك قتل وقطع أطراف الانسان و رجم وجلد وإغتصاب وحروب دموية و عدم تقبل الغير بطريقة غير ادمية بالمرة ! تمنيت لو هذا الاله كان يدعوا إلى الحب والعشق وإحترام الانسان أيا كان ديانته . لم أفهم فكرة أن دين واحد هو الدين الصحيح . ما هو الصح أصلا ؟ وماذا عن بقية الناس أللا دينيين ! لماذا يجب اعتبارهم بدون أخلاق ومباديء ؟؟ كنت استعجب من جمل مثل  : ” ده أجنبي و أخلاقه عالية ناقص يبقى مسلم بس . ”  ” ياريت يدخل الاسلام ” …” يا رب اشفي مرضى المسلمين ”
ألا يعتبر هذا عنصرية ؟ نعم شعرت بالقرف والنفور و شعرت أن هذا الدين خذلني . مررت بحالة إكتأب وفضلت الابتعاد عن الصلاة وعدم قراءة أي كتب لها علاقة بالدين حتى أرجع لحالتي الطبيعية . لم أكن أدري أن هذا الاحساس بالخذلان والإكتأب سيلازمني طويلا وانه مجرد مؤشر لبداية تغير رؤيتي للأمور وإعادة ترتيب أولوياتي .
لم استطع تقبل  فكرة عدم وجود حياة أخرى في البداية وكنت أحاول أن اشغل نفسي بأي شيء حتى لا أفكر في الدين . أعتقد أن هذا كان هروب مني حتى لا أواجه الحقيقة أو بالاحرى الحقيقة من وجهة نظري الخاصة بي فلجأت إلى الموسيقى والعلاقات الانسانية .كنت في السابعة عشر . الموسيقى كانت وما زالت أفضل شيء على كوكب الأرض . الأشخاص الذين عرفتهم في مراهقتي لم يكونوا على المستوى الفكري والانساني فلقد كانوا مرضى الازدواجية والفهم الخاطئ للحرية و إحترام الأخر . كانوا يزيفون حقيقتهم وراء قناع ال- open minded في سبيل المنظر العام أمام المثقفين من البنات . حتى الموسيقى بالنسبة لهم كانت مجرد شيء مختلف بغرض التميز والاختلاف عن الأخرين . كل شيء كان مزيف ! حتى تعبيرهم عن المشاعر كان مزيف مليء بالعفن المتفشي في المجتمع … يعتبر الفتاة التي تعبر عن مشاعرها عاهرة ! وما أحقر مجتمع يعتبر الحب عهر ولكن معاناة طبقة في المجتمع شيء عادي ! يحاربون الحب بكل ما لديهم من قوة ولكن لا يكترثون بهموم الفقراء والجهل الذي أصبح جزء لا يتجزء من الوطن .
يتبع …
الملاحظات وال-suggestions
مرحب بها .. قلة الأدب مصيرها البلوك المتين


I’m burning

Hotter than the Earth’s core

Warmer than the sun

My cheeks are glowing

My lips are red

My bones are chattering with

Orange haze heat

No sweat, no exit

Hair is burning

Into ashes

Splitting the air

Into smoke and fire

I’m a walking smoke cloud

The fire within me awaits

The fire inside my flesh

The fire

Melting itself

The blue fire turns me on

It keeps staring at my eyes

Glaring, still waiting.

Waiting to grow

Feed on skin

Eat me inside out.

Her colorful twin resides

Another galaxy.

Orange leaves lying


Red, green and grey too

Sisters of the growing fire

The woods are burning up

Just like my shadow across

The invisible ice

Copyright 2013

All rights reserved, Asmaa Lotfy


Thoughts on Suicide + personal random thoughts

-It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting when you try to do your best making ppl comfortable ,taking care of details, trying to be the understanding stable person.
Eventually, you’ll always be the one doing mistakes, not trying hard enough or simply not appreciated. And you know how it feels ? It feels like shit ! It feels like a conversation you might have with Samuel Beckett . Your expectations of kindness and affection don’t really go well.
You’ll eventually also get lost through your self, emotions and might have a silent, isolated emotional break down. If no one cares about how you feel, then why should you care all the time ? You’ll always be blamed for how you behave, then it’s better to openly behave as your self since you’ll be blamed either ways.

-The human nature is complex. We are born alone and we die alone.
We won’t be buried with our loved ones, yet we always seek companionship, love, attention and consolation. We long for the human connection. We feel the necessity to be appreciated.  Some ppl move beyond the emotional stream and face the cruelty of life on their own. Those would probably easily and comfortably accept death as the end, life as the existential crisis that one must confront and the complexes of the self. But others feel the depth of loneliness and can’t face the cruelties all alone.

-I will always remember Albert Camus‘ statement ” There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.”

Suicide is a way out of a gruesome reality. A decision that this life is not what one wants. I don’t see it as an escape. I see it as a brave confrontation with life. A direct statement that the person shall not accept a life that was not his choice, a life that is full of reckless down straight violence and pain.

Thomas Szasz , a Hungarian philosopher, once said : ”suicide is the most basic right of all. If freedom is self ownership—ownership over one’s own life and body—then the right to end that life is the most basic of all. If others can force you to live, you do not own yourself and belong to them .”

Jean Amery, an Austrian writer, says : ””we only arrive at ourselves in a freely chosen death”

That doesn’t mean that I look down or don’t appreciate people who hold on to our known reality and life. Those people decide to accept their existence and the forces of reality and also decide to react consequently. Belittling anyone’s quests,or ideals is a coward act . Life should be limitless, until of course you die.

I think Religion is the most depressing thing in the universe…. besides humans.

I don’t believe in the after life. I don’t believe in a heaven that highlights sex, food and alcohol as the highest points of an alternate life. If heaven should exist, then it should be something beyond such earthly needs.

Heaven is so boring. I prefer hell.

All the shit about leaving a trace behind you for humanity to remember you is just outright emotional manipulation . Humanity is the most selfish thing , with out of course the few people who were not selfish. 

Crying is not weakness. It’s cheap therapy.

No matter how much advice you are given, eventually the decision is yours and yours only for you will be the only person accepting responsibility for your actions.

Nature is one of the consolations we get for living in a cruel world, yet we don’t do our best to protect it.


Blue Velvet

I’m choking
on myself
on my skin, my bones, my blood, my brain cells, my whispers, my cries, my dreams, on the World.
I can’t breath
There is something holding the air inside my lungs pushing my spinal cord into my near ephemeral end.
Ay c-a-n-n-o-t ..,,

The blue velvet eyeshadow was smugged by my tears the other day as my frustration over juice showed.
It was smugged over again by my silent cries when she hugged me over flowers and happiness untold.
The blue velvet eyeshadow
The never ending fake glow
stopped by the most famous volcano in the Vtopia district of natural made souls full of unstable feelings and emotions waiting to explode making the long waited desired eruption.

It’s ok to cry.
No one will understand anyway.
It’s ok to cry.


Copyright 2013

All rights reserved, Asmaa Lotfy