Red Sky

I don’t know about today
or tomorrow or
after tomorrow
Vagueness spreads over
meaningless calenders
and untouchable changing
hours.

We are only wasting time
floating over naked mattresses
painting the unknown
Embracing light and fearing
darkness as it takes me away.

I don’t care if I turn into ashes
tomorrow or disappear through
my sleep tonight.
I won’t mind dissolving through
air and a red sky.

Mud and dark fall scent
over repetitive morning coffee
and stale cigarettes with
old foolish spirits.

She writes out of boredom
out of erotic tendencies
slipping through her mind
like black silk undergarments
and gods kissing swiftly through
different dimensions and worlds.

She changes with different seasons
not knowing what to expect
losing and gaining silence
and in between:
she feels everything and she feels
nothing
losing some of her braincells
and hurting her ability to
memorize.

Staying any longer
will only destroy than
create.
Too much suffocation.

Running out of time.

Copyright 2014

All rights reserved, Asmaa Lotfy

Advertisements

Thoughts on Suicide + personal random thoughts

-It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting when you try to do your best making ppl comfortable ,taking care of details, trying to be the understanding stable person.
Eventually, you’ll always be the one doing mistakes, not trying hard enough or simply not appreciated. And you know how it feels ? It feels like shit ! It feels like a conversation you might have with Samuel Beckett . Your expectations of kindness and affection don’t really go well.
You’ll eventually also get lost through your self, emotions and might have a silent, isolated emotional break down. If no one cares about how you feel, then why should you care all the time ? You’ll always be blamed for how you behave, then it’s better to openly behave as your self since you’ll be blamed either ways.

-The human nature is complex. We are born alone and we die alone.
We won’t be buried with our loved ones, yet we always seek companionship, love, attention and consolation. We long for the human connection. We feel the necessity to be appreciated.  Some ppl move beyond the emotional stream and face the cruelty of life on their own. Those would probably easily and comfortably accept death as the end, life as the existential crisis that one must confront and the complexes of the self. But others feel the depth of loneliness and can’t face the cruelties all alone.

-I will always remember Albert Camus‘ statement ” There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.”

Suicide is a way out of a gruesome reality. A decision that this life is not what one wants. I don’t see it as an escape. I see it as a brave confrontation with life. A direct statement that the person shall not accept a life that was not his choice, a life that is full of reckless down straight violence and pain.

Thomas Szasz , a Hungarian philosopher, once said : ”suicide is the most basic right of all. If freedom is self ownership—ownership over one’s own life and body—then the right to end that life is the most basic of all. If others can force you to live, you do not own yourself and belong to them .”

Jean Amery, an Austrian writer, says : ””we only arrive at ourselves in a freely chosen death”

That doesn’t mean that I look down or don’t appreciate people who hold on to our known reality and life. Those people decide to accept their existence and the forces of reality and also decide to react consequently. Belittling anyone’s quests,or ideals is a coward act . Life should be limitless, until of course you die.

I think Religion is the most depressing thing in the universe…. besides humans.

I don’t believe in the after life. I don’t believe in a heaven that highlights sex, food and alcohol as the highest points of an alternate life. If heaven should exist, then it should be something beyond such earthly needs.

Heaven is so boring. I prefer hell.

All the shit about leaving a trace behind you for humanity to remember you is just outright emotional manipulation . Humanity is the most selfish thing , with out of course the few people who were not selfish. 

Crying is not weakness. It’s cheap therapy.

No matter how much advice you are given, eventually the decision is yours and yours only for you will be the only person accepting responsibility for your actions.

Nature is one of the consolations we get for living in a cruel world, yet we don’t do our best to protect it.

Image

Blue Velvet

I’m choking
on myself
on my skin, my bones, my blood, my brain cells, my whispers, my cries, my dreams, on the World.
I can’t breath
There is something holding the air inside my lungs pushing my spinal cord into my near ephemeral end.
Ay c-a-n-n-o-t ..,,

The blue velvet eyeshadow was smugged by my tears the other day as my frustration over juice showed.
It was smugged over again by my silent cries when she hugged me over flowers and happiness untold.
The blue velvet eyeshadow
The never ending fake glow
stopped by the most famous volcano in the Vtopia district of natural made souls full of unstable feelings and emotions waiting to explode making the long waited desired eruption.

It’s ok to cry.
No one will understand anyway.
It’s ok to cry.

 

Copyright 2013

All rights reserved, Asmaa Lotfy

Image

Infinite Words

Shapes and shadows lamenting over his partial existence

Creating epic stories and repaired cells that surround her mind.

People are copies sometimes, you never know which is real and

which is fake lurking around the corner waiting to eliminate you.

And through him, you disappear into the vast cosmic infinity with

nothing but meaningless words and desperate memories.

The warmth of his skin and transcendental cryptic eyes are

worth a thousand years of waiting in the void.

But waiting always comes with a price that is

to wither and fade every second for a million time.

To experience the absurd  pain smothering reality

that only exists in your dis-functional conscience.

 

The nothingness greets her with an invisible smile

The nothingness embraces her with penetrating arms

The nothingness suffocates her till she moves no more,

thinks no more and loves no more.

”Everything and everyone is meaningless, she says

And the meaningless words  don’t add much.”

Image