Thoughts Worth Mentioning

When you’re sick, so dizzy you can’t even get out of bed, feelings of helplessness and loneliness just pour all over you submerging your head . It’s only natural, I suppose, to contemplate upon life in general with a hint of a pessimistic overview .

Being healthy is more important than anything else in the world.

She gently hands me the medicine and arranges flowers in my room, while checking on me every once in a while.

In such times, I’m once again reminded of how my mother is the only person willing to sacrifice her own peace of mind and time to take care of me and make sure I get better . We have our problems, conflicts and different perspectives , but I am always re-assured that her love for me is infinite and she’d always be there for me . She is the only person who can actually deal with my bad sides patiently, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she accepts those sides. But she is there … Always there for me no matter what, even if we are both angry as hell and just shouting in the middle of a supposed conversation, she manages to cool down things.

She is the main reason I’m still here.
That said, everything I do is down right horrible. Feelings of guilt and sadness are just filling me up right now because I’d like to be true someday …. Not afraid and fully leading one life. Not having to create and invent …. Just there … Out there … Seen as a whole. Not needing or wanting, just being .

It’s a fact that I can’t and won’t be able to satisfy everyone in my life, including myself.

The months ahead will be the most difficult because I will start taking slow, but drastic actions while fully taking responsibility for the consequences.

I’d like to be one whole entity instead of scattered pieces .

It’s exhausting having to collect back those pieces.

Red Sky

I don’t know about today
or tomorrow or
after tomorrow
Vagueness spreads over
meaningless calenders
and untouchable changing
hours.

We are only wasting time
floating over naked mattresses
painting the unknown
Embracing light and fearing
darkness as it takes me away.

I don’t care if I turn into ashes
tomorrow or disappear through
my sleep tonight.
I won’t mind dissolving through
air and a red sky.

Mud and dark fall scent
over repetitive morning coffee
and stale cigarettes with
old foolish spirits.

She writes out of boredom
out of erotic tendencies
slipping through her mind
like black silk undergarments
and gods kissing swiftly through
different dimensions and worlds.

She changes with different seasons
not knowing what to expect
losing and gaining silence
and in between:
she feels everything and she feels
nothing
losing some of her braincells
and hurting her ability to
memorize.

Staying any longer
will only destroy than
create.
Too much suffocation.

Running out of time.

Copyright 2014

All rights reserved, Asmaa Lotfy

Thoughts on Suicide + personal random thoughts

-It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting when you try to do your best making ppl comfortable ,taking care of details, trying to be the understanding stable person.
Eventually, you’ll always be the one doing mistakes, not trying hard enough or simply not appreciated. And you know how it feels ? It feels like shit ! It feels like a conversation you might have with Samuel Beckett . Your expectations of kindness and affection don’t really go well.
You’ll eventually also get lost through your self, emotions and might have a silent, isolated emotional break down. If no one cares about how you feel, then why should you care all the time ? You’ll always be blamed for how you behave, then it’s better to openly behave as your self since you’ll be blamed either ways.

-The human nature is complex. We are born alone and we die alone.
We won’t be buried with our loved ones, yet we always seek companionship, love, attention and consolation. We long for the human connection. We feel the necessity to be appreciated.  Some ppl move beyond the emotional stream and face the cruelty of life on their own. Those would probably easily and comfortably accept death as the end, life as the existential crisis that one must confront and the complexes of the self. But others feel the depth of loneliness and can’t face the cruelties all alone.

-I will always remember Albert Camus‘ statement ” There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.”

Suicide is a way out of a gruesome reality. A decision that this life is not what one wants. I don’t see it as an escape. I see it as a brave confrontation with life. A direct statement that the person shall not accept a life that was not his choice, a life that is full of reckless down straight violence and pain.

Thomas Szasz , a Hungarian philosopher, once said : ”suicide is the most basic right of all. If freedom is self ownership—ownership over one’s own life and body—then the right to end that life is the most basic of all. If others can force you to live, you do not own yourself and belong to them .”

Jean Amery, an Austrian writer, says : ””we only arrive at ourselves in a freely chosen death”

That doesn’t mean that I look down or don’t appreciate people who hold on to our known reality and life. Those people decide to accept their existence and the forces of reality and also decide to react consequently. Belittling anyone’s quests,or ideals is a coward act . Life should be limitless, until of course you die.

I think Religion is the most depressing thing in the universe…. besides humans.

I don’t believe in the after life. I don’t believe in a heaven that highlights sex, food and alcohol as the highest points of an alternate life. If heaven should exist, then it should be something beyond such earthly needs.

Heaven is so boring. I prefer hell.

All the shit about leaving a trace behind you for humanity to remember you is just outright emotional manipulation . Humanity is the most selfish thing , with out of course the few people who were not selfish. 

Crying is not weakness. It’s cheap therapy.

No matter how much advice you are given, eventually the decision is yours and yours only for you will be the only person accepting responsibility for your actions.

Nature is one of the consolations we get for living in a cruel world, yet we don’t do our best to protect it.

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