Thoughts Worth Mentioning

When you’re sick, so dizzy you can’t even get out of bed, feelings of helplessness and loneliness just pour all over you submerging your head . It’s only natural, I suppose, to contemplate upon life in general with a hint of a pessimistic overview .

Being healthy is more important than anything else in the world.

She gently hands me the medicine and arranges flowers in my room, while checking on me every once in a while.

In such times, I’m once again reminded of how my mother is the only person willing to sacrifice her own peace of mind and time to take care of me and make sure I get better . We have our problems, conflicts and different perspectives , but I am always re-assured that her love for me is infinite and she’d always be there for me . She is the only person who can actually deal with my bad sides patiently, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she accepts those sides. But she is there … Always there for me no matter what, even if we are both angry as hell and just shouting in the middle of a supposed conversation, she manages to cool down things.

She is the main reason I’m still here.
That said, everything I do is down right horrible. Feelings of guilt and sadness are just filling me up right now because I’d like to be true someday …. Not afraid and fully leading one life. Not having to create and invent …. Just there … Out there … Seen as a whole. Not needing or wanting, just being .

It’s a fact that I can’t and won’t be able to satisfy everyone in my life, including myself.

The months ahead will be the most difficult because I will start taking slow, but drastic actions while fully taking responsibility for the consequences.

I’d like to be one whole entity instead of scattered pieces .

It’s exhausting having to collect back those pieces.


Japan and my Heart

The reason why I love everything about Japan and is the Japanese people’s perspective of the past, present and future and their attitude towards them. They highly respect and embrace their past, and at the same time they work so hard for the present and for a greater future. Respect is part of their culture and part of who they are. They are what they are , the world’s most developed country, due to how hard they worked and picked themselves up from the ashes of a destructive nuclear war, pain and agony of the loss of so many innocent lives, two cities blown into dust and a period of economic hardship called ”The Lost Decade” in the 90s. Their nation lived and suffered, yet they never gave up. They respect their land and love it from deep within. I haven’t seen anything like this and I don’t think I will. Not that I belittle the other nations, but no one can deny how much the Japanese people are dedicated to their home and families as well as their future generations. I wish the people I live with loved their country like this. Even quarter of this love and dedication can actually do a difference. But people with no love in their hearts, no regret to the destruction of their nation and downfall of themselves along with it are simply dead and going no where. In my first Level of Japanese language, my sensei instructed us from the very first day to not throw any trash on the floor and to keep our classroom clean. I was amazed by how she was so keen on taking care of a place that wasn’t her home. I see Egyptians throwing trash on the street every single day, even my father, others even spit with no shame on the ground of their country. Critics and writers have argued a lot when it comes to the definition of identity and how it is formed as well as identity crisis and problems that appear throughout, and I always felt that identity is not a fixed thing, but rather a very complex unstable thing that is shaped by certain aspects from the experience of the person. I am Egyptian, this is my ”nationality” and part of my ”identity”, but I have never felt like I belong here. Perhaps because I witness everything I love in this country being destroyed by the people, and I can’t do anything about it. Or perhaps because I love this country so much, so I don’t belong here. People kept talking about ”change” and a ”better future” three years ago, everything was on fire and I was so anxious to witness an actual change, but the ”change” went down the drain along with the people. Whatever happened to their voices, I don’t know. Maybe that’s another reason why I’m so in love with Japan and the culture, they never give up and consider giving up as weakness. Always doing their best . Always saying this phrase ”gambate kudasai”, which means ”do your best”. Learning Japanese is giving me hope and hands me the encouragement and love that seems to be lacking here.
Have I mentioned that in my pre Masters year, my project in one of the courses was about Japanese anime in relation to Japanese Mythology ? ^_^ It was about Miyazaki’s ”Spirited Away” and the Shinto Realm portrayed in the film in relation to the concept of spirituality in Japanese Mythology. I wrote and made a presentation about this and the happiness I felt was just over the top ! The richness of their culture, mythology and past is seen in every thing they do, something that we lack here if not disrespected as well. Japanese cinema is also one of the interests that occupy most of my time. I watch a lot of new wave Japanese films and I only seem to be hungry for more, so I keep exploring films from the 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s. I don’t think there seem to be anything like those films when it comes to aesthetics and true passion for cinema. Whenever I watch one of those films, I feel so grateful that I actually got the way to find those beautiful secret gems.
Do I want to go to Japan ? OF COURSE ! It is my dream and one day it will come true. I seem to feel that something there is waiting for me, but I have no idea what it is. I just feel it.
I don’t know what made me write this, but I just did… And am glad I did. This is entirely my personal view, whether I intended to generalize or not, I don’t think it matters as this was just a ”thought piece of writing” .

Thoughts on Suicide + personal random thoughts

-It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting when you try to do your best making ppl comfortable ,taking care of details, trying to be the understanding stable person.
Eventually, you’ll always be the one doing mistakes, not trying hard enough or simply not appreciated. And you know how it feels ? It feels like shit ! It feels like a conversation you might have with Samuel Beckett . Your expectations of kindness and affection don’t really go well.
You’ll eventually also get lost through your self, emotions and might have a silent, isolated emotional break down. If no one cares about how you feel, then why should you care all the time ? You’ll always be blamed for how you behave, then it’s better to openly behave as your self since you’ll be blamed either ways.

-The human nature is complex. We are born alone and we die alone.
We won’t be buried with our loved ones, yet we always seek companionship, love, attention and consolation. We long for the human connection. We feel the necessity to be appreciated.  Some ppl move beyond the emotional stream and face the cruelty of life on their own. Those would probably easily and comfortably accept death as the end, life as the existential crisis that one must confront and the complexes of the self. But others feel the depth of loneliness and can’t face the cruelties all alone.

-I will always remember Albert Camus‘ statement ” There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.”

Suicide is a way out of a gruesome reality. A decision that this life is not what one wants. I don’t see it as an escape. I see it as a brave confrontation with life. A direct statement that the person shall not accept a life that was not his choice, a life that is full of reckless down straight violence and pain.

Thomas Szasz , a Hungarian philosopher, once said : ”suicide is the most basic right of all. If freedom is self ownership—ownership over one’s own life and body—then the right to end that life is the most basic of all. If others can force you to live, you do not own yourself and belong to them .”

Jean Amery, an Austrian writer, says : ””we only arrive at ourselves in a freely chosen death”

That doesn’t mean that I look down or don’t appreciate people who hold on to our known reality and life. Those people decide to accept their existence and the forces of reality and also decide to react consequently. Belittling anyone’s quests,or ideals is a coward act . Life should be limitless, until of course you die.

I think Religion is the most depressing thing in the universe…. besides humans.

I don’t believe in the after life. I don’t believe in a heaven that highlights sex, food and alcohol as the highest points of an alternate life. If heaven should exist, then it should be something beyond such earthly needs.

Heaven is so boring. I prefer hell.

All the shit about leaving a trace behind you for humanity to remember you is just outright emotional manipulation . Humanity is the most selfish thing , with out of course the few people who were not selfish. 

Crying is not weakness. It’s cheap therapy.

No matter how much advice you are given, eventually the decision is yours and yours only for you will be the only person accepting responsibility for your actions.

Nature is one of the consolations we get for living in a cruel world, yet we don’t do our best to protect it.


ذكريات ٢

أتذكر الحياة الأسرية غير المستقرة وتأثيرها علي . كنت اصنع عالم أخر خاص بي أنا فقط من خلال قراءة الكتب .. لم يدفعني أحد إلى القراءة فقد توجهت وحدي نحو محراب مكتبة بيتنا وأخذت استكشف معالمها في سعادة جمة . أتذكر حين انتهيت من قراءة كل الكتب في المنزل وأردت الذهاب لشراء كتب أخرى .. لم يكن أبي متحمسا أبدا لشغفي للقراءة وكان دائما يتوعدني بالفشل في الدراسة … قالت لي أمي أن المشاكل بينهم زادت عندما انجبتني وأنه وعدها بالمعاملة الرائعة إذا انجبت ولد .. نعم أبي المتعلم أراد أن أكون ولد وطالما عاملني معاملة الأولاد و حتى الأن لا يرى فائدة من إنجابي أو من بقائي على قيد الحياة … لا اهتم كثيرا لذلك ولكني أتذكر كيف آلمني هذا … أردت أن يكون لي أب أتناقش معه بعقلانية ويفتخر بي بدلا من احباطي طوال الوقت .. ولكن كيف ألومه على نظرته لي عندما لا تختلف نظرة المجتمع للفتاة …
” الست ملهاش غير الجواز .. جوزها مسؤل عنها هو الراجل اللي يحميها ويشيل حملها من على أكتاف أهلها ”
أشعر بالقرف عندما يلوم الناس المجتمع ولا ينظر إلى أساس المشكلة !! الدين الذي لا يقبل أحد أن يكون قابل للنقد .. الدين الذي لا ينبغي أحد أن يخالفه … الدين الذي يعامل المرأة كانسان درجة ثانية ولا يعترف بها ككيان مستقل بل يحقر من شأنها ثم ترى كل هؤلاء البشر يقولون لك ” الدين الاسلامي كرم المرأة ” ومهما تحاورت معهم فهم لا يريدون سماعك … حافظ مش فاهم .
أمي قالت لي قديما أن الله اصطفاني لأكون مسلمة فالاسلام هو الدين الصحيح و يجب أن أحمد الله على نعمة الاسلام … ماذا عن بقية الأديان ؟؟ هل يدخلون الجنة ؟؟ هل يعقل أن يكون هذا الاله عنصريا ؟؟ ألا يكفي أن يعترف بوجوده البشر ؟؟ يجب أيضا أن لا ننسى رسله وخصوصا محمد .. يجب أن تنطق الشهادتين حتى تدخل الجنة .. هذا الاله العظيم قد يعاقب انسان مؤمن به ولكن ليس بنبيه ..
ماذا لو لم أؤمن بكل ما جاء في الدين ؟؟
الحوار التالي كان منذ سنوات بيني وبين أمي :
” ماما يعني إيه الراجل يتجوز أربعة ؟ يعني إيه مينفعش أسافر إلا بمحرم ؟؟ يعني إيه الراجل ياخد ضعف ميراث أخته ؟؟ أنا مش عجباني حاجات كتير ومهما قريت تفسير الحاجات دي أنا بردو مش مقتنعة !!! ”
– ” بصي يا بنتي استغفري ربنا وسيبك من الأفكار دي ده الشيطان !! الدين مينفعش تخدي جزء وتسيبي جزء . الدين يا تخديه كله يا تسيبيه ”
” طيب ينفع الواحد يسيبه عادي ؟ ”
– ” تارك الدين بيتقتل ”
” اه …. ”
أهلي محترمين  ولكن حين يتطرق الموضوع إلى الدين و المرأة أشعر انني غريبة بينهم .
يتبع ...

Thank You

Thank you for bringing me to this life, unwillingly, having no choice


Thank you for planting in my head your beliefs, customs and traditions


Thank you for raising me according to your lost childhood dreams


Thank you for giving me food, shelter, education all inside a box


Thank you for panicking about my teenage years by telling me


not to touch my vagina as my husband is the only person who should.


Thank you for always underestimating me and confining me to certificates and degrees.
Thank you for promising me freedom if only I make a good image of the family.
Thank you for lying to me all the time.
Thank you for my childhood memories where I was beaten by a leather belt every time I do a mistake or misunderstand something while studying.


Thank you for forcing me to hate my body image when I was only 5
Thank you for telling me I was too thin and then too fat


Thank you for all the support you gave me when I was struggling to understand who I was.
Thank you for not appreciating all my efforts


Thank you for always making me feel guilty when I think of my own needs and dreams.
Thank you for always reminding me of my gender and limits of your society and your religion.
Thank you for panicking and shouting at me when I had a conversation with you about god and religion.
Thank you for making me realize who I really am.
Thank you for enlightening me with the real truth without you even realizing it.
Thank you for threatening to throw me out of the house and stop giving me money if I keep disobeying you.
Thank you for always telling me I’m ugly and no one would want me.
Thank you for always fighting with her and inflicting pain upon me.
Thank you for pushing me to the edge .
Thank you for making me distorted, gasping for understanding but always from the wrong people.
Thank you for not keeping me in mind.
Thank you for not coming to my graduation.
Thank you for panicking whenever I have a phone call.
Thank you for always calling me whenever I’m not at home.
Thank you for not trusting me on your special hymen.
Thank you for everything you ever did for me.
Thank you for always reminding me of the thing you’ve done for me.
Thank you . Thank you. And thank you .


Sex and Hypocrisy ( Part 2 )


Let’s get some things straight first before getting any further with this subject.

1) I believe that sex has nothing to do with religion. If religion is supposed to be spiritual and enormously heavenly, then I don’t think god’s religion will be very trivial to include sex in 60% or more of its content. If that’s the case, then I completely disagree. Sex is included in one’s freedom. It is your ultimate choice to have sex or not have sex, but don’t blame it on religion.

2) Women get horny too. Get over it ! We aren’t sluts. If being horny is slutty, then men are sluts too. (Just saying !! )

3) There is nothing called ‘’loosing one’s virginity’’. What do you exactly mean by ‘’loosing’’ ??? What have I lost ?? It should be more like ‘’gaining control over your body’’ because no one should frame me under the whole ‘’hymen/virgin’’ criteria !
Being a virgin or a non virgin is no one’s business. It’s my body and it shouldn’t be shamed by anyone.  What do they say ? ‘’only god will judge me ‘’ ?? There you go !

4) If you believe that one is free to have sex, but don’t believe in sexual freedom and orientation, then you’re simply another narrow minded hypocrite. If you think that gay and lesbian people are disgusting then you’re an ass. And that’s that ! Sorry the world isn’t up to your double ass standards ! I won’t argue with you politely because your thoughts are already offensive.

5) Most Egyptian men are not open minded/ pretend to be/ patriarchal minded. Which gets us to the main deal :


I consider the Egyptian society one hell of a hypocrite society, among all the other Arab societies for certain. They hail all the religious slogans, care for certain images, hold on to ignorant traditions, yet, they do all ‘’sinful’’ things in secrecy . If you open FB and check all the Egyptian sex pages, you’ll find that there are so many of them !! Beyond hundreds of pages with thousands and thousands of fans !! I checked a page of them, the wall of the page is basically full of horny obsessed men who ask for bitches ‘’sharameet’’ to have phone sex or meet in secret ‘’b sereya tama’’ and for girls who want to stay virgins, those men will have everything pleasurable with them ‘’bas htb2y bent bnoot brdo’’ but you’ll still be a virgin. Speak of absolute hypocrisy and disgusting attitude !  So you girls can do whatever you want, as long as he doesn’t put his dick in so you can get married and have a life based on lies with your naïve husband who may as well have been lying to you and used to do this shit with other girls before marriage.

Hello ?? The hell is this ! This is considered the norm btw !
Can I trust you ?

So after proving that our society is rotten with lies and fake images, and after totally believing and accepting one’s sexuality and one’s freedom to have sex or not have sex, what’s next ?? The main problem is that we live in this society, so basically we interact with such drained brain washed mentalities, and hence trusting someone and having the same understanding would be a difficult issue. Men here consider having sex with a woman like conquering an undiscovered land. And if they’re in a relationship and having sex regularly, when they think of getting married , the option of marrying their ‘’un virgin’’ girl friend is out of the question. They should marry a virgin instead because of all the shallow and narrow minded reasons you could ever imagine.
But the main reason would be that they fear women who can take control of their sexual needs. Those men are afraid of women and they need subordinate women to mold easily.
That’s why you’ll find lots of girls who believe in the freedom to have sexual activity, but are hesitant due to the unfortunate existence of those men in the society. It would hurt emotionally to be dumped by a man simply because he ‘’nailed’’ me. The stupidest thing on Earth, yet the most heartbreaking.

To Be Continued ….


Sex and Hypocrisy (Part 1)

If you’re reading this now, then you probably have been drawn to the title and thought I’d be writing sexual stuff that would be a turn on. Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not horny right now and this post isn’t sexual, however it will certainly tackle sex in the Egyptian society. So feel free to stop reading or simply check this out without being a pre judgmental asshole.
     Hypocrisy in the Egyptian Society
You got all those magnificent looking pages on FB calling for respecting women and their freedom to dress what they want, have their own choices in life and move forward with their careers, but I’ve never encountered one of those pages talk about women’s sexuality in the Egyptian society. I always get the feeling that they try their best to avoid this subject as it has religious overtones as well. So basically my freedom ends when religion begins. This is what I call hypocrisy. Therefor, all those intentions to free women and protect them is simply a lost cause because they ignore a highly important part of a woman’s identity which is her sexuality.
Most of Egyptian men as well as women would feel shocked or they would have a hard time absorbing the thought that women and girls in general do feel sexual excitement and have sexual needs ! They would condemn such feelings by saying that it’s ”sharmata” which is being ”slutty”.

If you think my thoughts so far are blasphemy, I advice you to stop reading now.

So those women are called ”sluts” because they express or have natural feelings and needs that they were born with (god created them along with human beings) .

Religion forbids having sex before marriage:

I won’t argue a lot in this particular point, but I’ll question it. How can god forbid something that he created in humans when they were born ? Doesn’t waiting to get married to have sex is considered a chaotic decision and a life wrecker for many people ? How can you get married to someone and have a sexual life with them without getting used to them first ? What if you don’t feel sexually comfortable with the person ? Will you spend the rest of your life with him/her due to marriage ?
What if I never get married ?? Will I stay a virgin without having sex till I die ?? Will god reward me in the after life just like he will reward men ?? Or will be the reward for those men ??
Why is heaven full of sex ?? Why can’t Earth be full of sex and heaven be a spiritual non sexual place where souls simply exist without any sexual stuff ???
Why is it considered disgraceful and sinful that I ask these questions and think about everything in general ?? I was born with a brain wasn’t I ???

…… To Be Continued

N.B : I welcome all non judgmental non abusive commentsImage